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Polaroid

It takes Stauffer’s lasagna something like 2 hours to cook all the way through. That means for approximately 1 hour and 59 minutes it is uncooked and partially cooked. I fantasize about worlds that are cooked vs. uncooked. Black and white. However, the world is not black and white. Its fucking gray constantly. That gray may shift and change, intensify then lighten, however it exists in the 1 hour and 59 minute period.

I’m 22. I’m young. Very young. And because I’m young there are certain things which are inescapable in terms of immaturity. One of those things are how I look at the world. There are 2 problems with the Bryce perspective. 1) I expect everyone to act, think, and reason like me 2) I try to understand how the world acts, thinks, and reasons. In other words, in my own private obsession with black versus white, I seek answers in the gray. Even now I’m finding it hard to articulate what exactly I mean. But I’m going to give it my earnest effort.

At any given time I make decisions based on 1) what I naturally like 2) what I should naturally like 3) what others have taught me I should naturally like 4) why I should naturally like what others are teaching me I should naturally like. Well naturally one would say “Bryce what the fuck? Nigga do what YOU want to do. Don’t worry about these other people.” Well okay, what I want to do is murder your mother. Still okay with that? Or how about blaze up some crack? Cheat on my girlfriend? Yes those are all negative and potent decisions but even things which are orders of magnitude smaller I go through this quasi-Socratic method of understanding the decisions I make. It is my conviction that mankind has grown complacent with band-aid remedies. They’re well meaning, shortsighted treatments for problems that we should have more help for. Statements like “fuck everyone else” and “do you” are well meaning, but as we all have heard the adage “the path to Hell is paved with good intentions”. Saying “fuck everyone else” perpetuates a disjointed, fragmented society with boils out of control. Etc etc. Embracing one another to the point of conformity or vial assimilation is just as dangerous. So thus hangs in the midst (for neurotic overly obsessive individuals for myself) the need to question everything. Everyone.

But the ultimate culprit is that I still do not know myself. I’m still learning who I want to be. I’m still learning what I naturally like. And I’m trying to line that up with the bits of education I have accepted in my past. Few of us “learn” everything. Usually because we don’t agree with it. However, most of our fundamental characteristics are learned traits. Therefore, the delicate balance between acceptance and rejection lies in what we perceive.

Have I lost you yet?

This is a snapshot of my mind.

FJKR

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