Lets point fingers
Today I sat in the back of an early 90s model Chevy Astro Van wedged between my two adorable classmates on the way to the aquarium for our class trip. As we talked I learned that one of them was in a relationship and had been for a while. My other friend, I had learned a while back she was in one too and has plans of moving in with him after graduation. My best friend is currently engaged and his wedding is next year. Both of my closer homegirls have been in relationships for about 2 years and the connections are strong. My average relationship length? 3 months.
Over the years I have pointed fingers, placed blame, and harangued the name’s of my exes in light of their actions which led up to our schism. Yet, being reasonable looking at the two girls I was the most involved with… The first had been in a long term relationship before me and has been in another since me. Something like 3 years. She and I lasted 9 months. The second had been in two 1+ year relationships. She and I lasted 6 months. How then do I reconcile that? That the finger should be consistently pointed outward when clearly the issues with longevity lie within me? Even I am not unreasonable enough to see the error in this logic.
When it comes to love I have the most impetuous and caustically ridiculous modes of going about it. As a lot of my close friends joke, I can be superficial. I prefer to see it as looks are the one thing that cannot mature or change. If someone is ugly to me now, I highly doubt they’re going to be attractive to me later. But when said girl is actually attractive, all goes to fucking hell. I commit far too soon. I commit far too hard. In my immaturity I believe that she will meet me half way. More hell.
Here are the problems. Even in my superficiality I’m picky. Better yet especially in my superficiality I’m obscenely picky. I have high self worth, therefore I won’t settle for any one. Just because a girl is beautiful doesn’t mean she’s the one. I’m sure you can already see the gaping holes in my swiss cheese logic. If I commit too soon to a beautiful girl that doesn’t match my standards what do you think is going to happen? Problems. A lot of them. Problems which are compounded and exacerbated by my jump the gun emotions.
When I date a girl it isn’t a matter of “oh is she pretty” or “oh is she smart”. I look at her hair, the shape of her legs. Her feet, is she fat, her lips, her breath, her hair, her hands. Her manners. Her clothing, her cleanliness. The way she talks. Her vocabulary. Her abilities. Can she cook, can she write, can she defend herself? A biggie: how’s her relationship with God? What God does she serve? What are her standards? Her morals? Does she party? Her lips, her teeth. What kind of family does she come from? Does she know her father? How is that relationship? Her mother? Who raised her? Is she in school? What’s her major? What does she want to do? Is she okay being with a man going into entertainment? Is there a possibility that she’ll become a groupie? Who has she dated in the past? Rappers? Athletes? What’s her type? Is she shallow? When I want to go in depth about God, philosophy, and religion can she hang? I’m the child of a prophet, does she know what that means? Can I introduce her to my grandmother? Is she willing to come watch me play ball? Come to one of my shows? Is she too clingy? Is she too independent? Can she hold a convo with my parents? My sister?
The list goes on. For a very, very long time.
See my problem is I understand how exhaustive (and ridiculous) this list is and so instead of going through the painstaking (but clearly necessary) methods of weeding out the bullshit. Here’s a confession that anyone who knows me will probably be like duh nigga. The reason I was so quick to engage these beautiful women was simply because I was insecure myself. As a young man I never felt like my externals met my internals. Though I loved me and the way I looked, I didn’t necessarily see that reflected into how other viewed me. So anytime an attractive girl came my way I lost all control of mind, body, and spirit and succumbed to the emotions. I used gorgeous women to validate me. If I had been as picky from the jump, I think I’d still be single as each one of my exes fell short. And I fell short with them. Incongruencies are the demise of all connections.
Fast forward to now. As I walk every day with more confidence in God first and then in me, I’m beginning to understanding just how much of a dumbass I had been. I was so convinced I knew what I was doing, so convinced my motives were pure that I missed the mark on what I should have been doing. I’m still as picky as ever, that probably won’t change because of how I think in general, but I’m better now at just being comfortable with every stage of courtship, including the whole “getting to know each other” part.
Slight commercial break: I’m not picky to find perfection. Perfection in the conventional sense does not exist. What perfection is is the viewers ability to rectify all flaws through pure love. I have dated one girl that though I knew her flaws, she was perfect to me. Unfortunately she didn’t deserve that designation from me at the time I gave it to her. However, I’m well aware that the Bryce stamp of “perfection” is possible… Rare, yet possible. And that’s what keeps me going.
To live in immaturity is masochism. Growing up is freedom.