What Governs You?
Tonight I began stressing about something before it even began. This is the problem with my overactive mind, I create more problems than I do solutions. The solutions I often create are set in place to correct 7 or 8 self inflicted problems, instead of simply progressing forward. I used to believe I was fettered to unyielding logic and that’s why I was so prone to being my own saboteur. However, the logic is simply an implement, the true culprit in my self infliction was the age old demon; Fear. Since I was a kid I feared what I couldn’t foreseeably control. I was afraid to try out for basketball teams because I was afraid of failing. I was afraid to actually try hard on a test because I was afraid of looking stupid. I won’t go and talk to a girl unless I know the door has already been opened to me. Hell, my junior and senior year of high school I got college letters from close to 30 universities, 5 Ivy League and a good 6 other top 20 institutions but I was afraid of rejection.
I’m afraid of rejection.
So I employ logic to estimate the probability of getting rejected and weighing that against the probability of succeeding.
I lack faith.
Faith in myself. Faith in God. Faith in His completely illogical favor.
Yesterday night I went through a series of cathartic conversations, first with my girlfriend (hi babe) then with my family in which I intimated my hatred for the entertainment industry. (For those of you unaware, my fledgling corporation CollectiveCreativity was based in that field). I seriously, with every fiber of my being hate that industry. I’ve been playing drums for many, many years and while I’m not the best I have had my fair share of good gigs and such. Through my limited experience with that, the club promotion scene, and other endeavors I came to the blaring conclusion that I absolutely abhor everything entertainment. I love music, I love ENTERTAINING (within my own power and capacity) however, I have no affinity (nor acumen) for creating those types of realities for others….
So after the sloughing of that skin, I began to put my mind through the usual cognitive gauntlet of determining what to do next. I hate corporate america, however, there is something so enticing about owning my slice of it. As a creator, I want to become a sort of an unwanted appendage to the business world. Something at first glance seemingly unnecessary, but with time becomes an incredible asset.
As I began to add flesh and animate this ideal profession, the saboteur began knocking at my door. “How will anyone take you seriously?” “You don’t have any experience in this field.” “You’re going to need all types of additional schooling and licensure in order to achieve this Bryce.” “You need to make sure you adhere to all the statutes and stipulations enumerated by the state.” “Who is going to actually trust in your service?”
I’m serious. This is my brain. Its incredibly powerful but I promise you it is the most hypercritical morale destroying tool when I don’t control it. It seems to me that over the years I didn’t retain much positivity, I instead held on to every fucking negative statement I ever heard. In my twisted developmental logic, if I understood every criticism, every failure, every warning statement I could construct an igloo of perfection.
Of course I couldn’t have been any more fucking wrong.
Yet here I am, scared shitless of that which I conceived tonight. I thought “what do I like?” “What am I good at?” “What do others like about me?”.. And I built the new CollectiveCreativity around that. Now I’m going to have to create new ways to deal with myself.
Breaking the bondage on your own mind is the only way to break the bondage on your entire existence. Whether its your perception of God or your perception of your worth. Whether you’re like me and you put God in a box governed by some eternal rules of chance and mystery. Or whether you’re really like me and you simply are afraid of that which you can’t control and could potentially lead you to be wrong.. The key to your breakthrough and breakout lie in the freeing of your mind. Forget all the negative and focus on what you want. Work on fixing your flaws so that you are prepared to receive your blessing. And most important, EXPECT TO SUCCEED, REGARDLESS OF HOW FARFETCHED YOUR DREAM IS.
You listening Bryce?