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Self Discovery: Prologue

Its a male trait being unemotional, so my realization of this was not anything profound or unique. For generations, women have complained about men being unable to tap into their emotions or become sensitized to the appeals of the heart. Here’s where the confusion lies for me. I am sensitive, both to my emotions and my heart, I do love hard and I can be emotional, but those instances are both ephemeral and purpose driven. I’ll feel rage or a sense of being jilted which allows me to say how I feel with no calculation of repercussions. Things of that nature.

Heavy emotional content comes with a purpose, an objective. My brain has been hardwired to only use emotion when necessary. All other times I’m probably unreadable. Some ask me “are you ok?” Or “somebody piss you off?” Because I’ll walk into situations with an absolute blank face.

For a considerable portion of my life I was a pessimist. As life hit me in my teenage years with the cruel reality of unfairness and disproportionate allocations of perceived blessings my scales began to recalibrate to exhibiting more of the negative emotions. Like a home weight scale, the wear and tear on my developmental brain just shifted. I was content to exist in neutrality, irritation, frustration, and anger.

I was 17.

As I got older, things changed from phase to phase. What didn’t, however, was this underlying current which became irritated by things illogical or not under control. Some might say that’s a classic Virgo characteristic, some might say its a classic male characteristic.

My internal motor is one that I wish I could explain. Years of headstrong behavior, pride, arrogance, and hurt drove me to become one thing: unknowable. I strove diligently to make sure if nothing else, no one would have the upper hand by “knowing me”. It was through this obsession that my emotions became alien to even me. My boss last year said it best, I lacked emotional intelligence, because years and years of believing I was something in particular while indirectly hiding who I was, was rearing its ugly head.

Tied in with all of this is my natural inclination to solve problems rather than brood. Thus this emotional mishmash was something that need to be kneaded and organized. I took on the characteristic of my youth, neutrality, and began sifting through all that I am now. I had to let go of the girl I was dating. Had to let go of certain things from my past. These were things so steeped in the mire of emotion, they literally caused physical effects. When something in life becomes emotionally inefficient, I become stressed. Although I have a high stress threshold, once that level is compromised I’m in deep trouble.

This series is much more of a self discovery than some things I’ve written lately. This will be more of a diary of sorts.



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