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Self Discovery: Who Have I Been

Often times, the best way to know where you are is to remember where you were. Its a sort of a psychological map, a way to judge your current location given the trajectory you’ve traveled.

I have traveled quite the road. In the midst of my frustration, I see things about myself that drive me mad. The very same things I point out in others.

I am still a young man,
But old enough to recount countless lessons on maturity.
Ahh yes maturity.
The idea that growing up is just as much cognitive,
As physical.
The punitive consequences for immaturity were simple,
Those who exhibited such behavior were ridiculed,
They were left behind,
Abandoned to play in their own folly,
The old heads would seemingly place me on a different trolley,
For I was an anomaly,
Or so I was told by those who liked me,
Those who called me Brycey,
Saw things,
Which were sheer investments for my future.
I was in super. Super shape.

Thus the young adept begun his journey. This journey which began in the church. This journey which started on the pews of a house of worship in North Tulsa. Only to dump him in California. The Great Divide was afoot. Homelessness, hunger, misunderstanding, and marginalization, I saw life toss crusts at me while everyone else seemingly dined on savory meats. From the beloved church house to school, from relationships to friends I felt the alienation and rejection from all sides.

I don’t remember much from age 12 to 17.
5 years of pain.
A half decade of humiliation.
The proud black family who succeeded in the suburbs,
To the borderline indigent group of refugees lost in the city.
A young boy experiences life without a home.
A call while in band practice,
His mother’s voice crackling through the phone.
7 months at age 12 surfing through motels,
7 months of secretly confiding in his friends.. Shh don’t tell.
60 months of dating,
A thousand days being rejected by those he loved.
5 years of playing the friend,
Dozens of weeks of feeling shoved.
Those years he put behind him.
Even through the second bout of homelessness he broke away,
Even through being one of 7 people in a hot one bedroom,
He refused to to even say,
This is affecting me.
He was about protecting the,
Person people said he was to be,
Blindly reaching for a future he wasn’t sure that he,
Could possibly achieve.
So he cleaved desperately,
To whatever was still inside of him.
The pride of him.
He kept it close.

18. I went to college. The path of me getting there was arduous to say the least. I was headstrong, a knucklehead refusing to listen to anyone or anything. I hopped into a relationship, Captain Save A Ho at his finest hour. Funny how the sweet meal that was college went sour.

I knew every fucking thing.
That which I didn’t know wasn’t important,
I’d bang my way through life,
Use subtle proportions,
Step inside a girls mind,
Use jumbled distortions,
Get across my fucking point,
That’s what was important.
I didn’t listen.
Cuz fuck I did know a lot.
I could read half a human’s life and instantly know their plot,
And I knew the slot,
I was trying to fill in my life,
So I cast my lot,
But like gambling on Jesus’ garments,
I was left for naught.
I taught, life lessons,
Then broke them,
Then burned them.
Swore to God I had an open heart,
Yet I was sealed shut.
I thought I fell in love,
But I fell in love with the validation that I dated who I pleased.
I found that I was no longer the appeased,
Friend who was on his knees,
Begging for one’s affection,
I held the keys,
To what I believed were to the hearts,
But looking back I was still a young knucklehead.

The tears I cried. The pain I experienced. Self inflicted like opening the gates to the Trojan Horse. Who I was? He that knew it all, but fuck what I didn’t know kept destroying my soul. Took fiery darts and aimed them at my poles. Flipped me over and over.

So who have I Been?
Intelligent, arrogant,
Ill tempered, and open.
Opaque, contradictory,
Paradoxical, volatile.
Unyielding, compromising,
Perfectionist, quitter,
Spiritual, wise,
Stupid, hardheaded
Unwilling to listen,
Too willing to talk,
Hurt, hurter
The victim, the culprit, the savior, the tormentor.
The tortured, the captive, the warden, the officer.
The preacher, the teacher, the student, the peer,
The friend, the enemy, the blind, the seer,
The fearer, the brave, the listener, the loquacious,
The giver, the receiver, the stingy, the gracious.
The fed up, the optimist, the Atheist, the prayer,
The Christian, the pissed one, the missed on, the naysayer,
The crying, the boastful, the meek, the mild,
The hypocrite, the example, the exhibition, the hated,
The loved, the adored, the ignored, the talked about,
The confidant, the nemesis, the analysis, the test,
The support, the broken, the strong, the week,
The consistent, the intermittent, the sometimes, the constant.

I was every fucking thing, to every fucking one, except honest with myself. I didn’t know how to be happy, since I didn’t know what would make me happy. Trial and error were my closest companions

I was a very typical young person with an atypical mind.



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