Fear: The Almighty Protector of My Ego
I treat this blog many times like a personal expose (exposay not expose) and I do this for a variety of reasons. Mainly I do it because I know most people refuse to look at their own demons and I hope my journey made public will inspire some to engage in this sort of dialogue in private. Introspection is a gift from God, it is the ability to make a free choice about how you view your life. It is a choice to make yourself better. My brand of self betterment happens to be through writing.
Let’s get on with it.
Fear. It is something that we deal with everyday. Could be a nominal occasion like dropping your cellphone and trying to catch it midair. Could be a dog barking or waking up in a cold sweat. Could be more intense like being robbed or a car accident. Could be simply a mental attack, like realizing that you’re embarking on a major that you don’t want to be a career. Could be an unexpected baby or a painful memory. Whatever the origins the fact is every human alive fears something. It is a necessary response, Sympathetic System, also known as fight or flight. However, the human mind is a powerful, powerful creation center. The creeping tentacles of the conscious mind can control nearly every synapse in one’s brain. The mind can create fear out of nothing. Psalm 23:
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” Notice the psalmist didn’t say “though I walk through the valley of death”, but through the shadow. Shadows and silhouettes play tricks on the mind. We can see ghouls, ghosts, and monster through the shadows. The overactive mind can create dangers and warnings.
I was 17 when a girl at a late summer program told me I was a control freak. Her name was Ashley Woods. I immediately retaliated in usual fashion in full defensive rancor, explaining to her that I couldn’t give a fleeting fuck about what her and others wanted to do, there was no need for me to control her. I took the moniker “control freak” and applied a one dimensional model to it. To be a control freak, one needed to be tyrannical and suffer from megalomania and those needed to be impediments to others’ wishes. However, a control freak can be present in a variety of different expressions. The person I work so hard to control is myself.
I micromanage my life and those of who you know me well have already seen this. I don’t like doing things unless a considerable amount of variables are acceptable. I don’t like uncertainty because it fundamentally strips me of deciding power. I don’t like lying because it creates too variables which place myself in jeopardy. I’d rather tell the truth and face the consequences, than compound the problem with the possibility of further pain. I don’t like talking to women I don’t know because I haven’t had ample time to win them with my personality. I don’t like going into places I’m a stranger to because the reflexive judgments being made don’t adequately capture who I am.
I crave control over the various parts of my life. Uncertainty, doubt, or opacity undermines this obsession.
This defense mechanism has been used for years to protect my ego. By manipulating the variables to my favor, I ensure the safety of my pride and I can block most attacks or preempt others. The culprit is fear. I am fearful of that which I cannot control. I am fearful of that which I cannot immediately extract some respect out of. This in turn leads to my largest Achilles’ heel. My absolute aversion to “putting myself out there”. I don’t like competing, because there could be failure. Failure forces my ego to look at its deficiencies. I don’t like “going out on a limb”, because if that limb breaks, I am forced to look at my inadequacies. I have always struggling with faith, because a major requirement of faith is letting go. How does someone who has fought for two decades to maintain the reigns suddenly throw caution to the wind and let go?
I am critical on myself and this because I understand I have deficiencies. But I have never liked them being exposed to the outside world unless I allowed it. Thus when someone is in a logical position to point out flaw I am nothing short of furious. Its pouring salt on the infected wound, the wound of extreme pride.
I am fearful of the pain of failure and my means of avoiding that has been total control over Bryce. No true falling in love, no trusting advice, no entertaining the negative opinions of me… Only defense. The obvious result has been alienation, however, paradoxically I have always maintained friends due to my other redeeming qualities.
The overcoming of my fear is necessary for the attaining of my dreams. I literally have to wake up tomorrow and swallow my fear of not being respected and accepted so that I can embark on my future. I have to tell my ego, paradoxically, that I do belong. I have to convince the one person that has for so many years believed himself superior, that he is in fact worthy. When you’ve lived in a world of mental isolation and aversion for so long, you seal yourself off from others. So no matter how much I love being me, I have never expected the world outside of me to accept me without the proper credentials. Some of which I don’t know if I have.
Look into your heart about what’s stopping you everyday from being the better you. You’ll be surprised how much junk you have in your cellars.