Everything and Nothing
I am at best, a hypocrite. At best. Why you ask? Because much of my life has been spent denying things, only to engage in them at a later time. Sex, weed, drinking to name a few. I denounced weed for years, and although I’m not a fan of it now, the fact still remains that I have used it. My friends from the early years in high school used to hear me preach about the sanctity of sex, only to have me lose it rather unceremoniously to a young woman I barely knew in college.
I know this seems like a scatching, self deprecating reproach but its not, its life. See some of us figure out rather early what we like and dislike. That’s me. However, what’s infinitely more trick for people like me is deciding what I enjoy. I can’t answer that question realistically. I really don’t know what I enjoy. I like a lot of things, I dislike A LOT of things, but that which truly brings me happiness evades me constantly.
This is due to my penchant for finding flaws. My single greatest contribution to my business I own is my ability to see the things that are wrong. This in turn has formed me into a misanthrope. I don’t like people because I see the faults in them, faults which I’m supposed to overlook because they’re my friend. I am faced with my own faults daily. Hourly. Secondly. I see them sitting on my skin like acne. Therefore I am constantly in a state of introspection because, hell, there’s a lot of shit wrong with myself and the rest of the world. I try not to be a respecter of persons. All the damnation and scolding I serve up to the world, I serve to myself incessantly.
With all of that stated, one can see how a skeptical critic with a propensity for pessimism can have a hard time fully enjoying himself. Basketball, drums, and even writing are ways I escape but there are far too many times when I want to do none of that. Women have always been the iron to my magnet. They are the most beautiful creatures in the world, but they are also chock full of imperfection and deceit. Mix in my rude demeanor and self righteousness and you have a recipe for romantic disaster. There’s learning, but who and what I’m learning is something that can be hotly debated. What the fuck is knowledge if its biased or not 100% true?
Then there’s God. The absolute obsession of my boyish manhood. A creature so cryptic that over 2 thousand years has passed since His human incarnation and we’re still trying to get his gospel right. There are separate religions, denominations, fights, wars, schisms, and the all too common death that has swirled around the God I serve. And every generation has come up with an apology and extrapolation from their predecessors. Me included.
So to sum up, I like everything and enjoy nothing. I dream of perfection. My perfection. Not Webster or Google’s definition of perfection. I know what I want and I will be an unsettled spirit until I get it. I like leading and I like teaching. I like communicating and I like informing. I am 3 steps removed from occasional insanity.
I am consistently inconsistent.
But we’re all a little crazy right?