How To Love: Release of My Ego
For as long as I can remember, there has always been one single person that I trusted unequivocally… Myself. It stemmed from years of mistakes, my own and those around me, which led me to turn utterly into myself. I’ve always had a family that loved and supported me, but we each had our own lives to live, so I still kept my faith and hope in my own abilities.
I am a control freak as a result. Not with other people, but myself. I am obsessed with maximizing personal pleasure and mitigating potential pain. I go through these intense introspective episodes so that I can make sense of my life and optimize my chances for larger success. I keep my pride on the highest setting, forcing people out of my bubble for the sake of consistency and peace. I do everything for me. I realized the other night that my quest for conceptual perfection has to do with me being able to do everything right. Not right in a sense of “right vs wrong” but in a sense of optimum efficiency. Choosing the woman who will last the longest (a lifetime), with the least amount of stress or heartbreak. Choosing the career that makes the most money and actualizes me. Living a life in which the least amount of people can say something about what I’m doing. And so on. I want to be right as much as possible so that I can maintain an existence that is efficient, maximal, and feeds my self esteem.
But that’s the real issue. I have loved myself more than anyone else (see my post Narcissism: My Deepest Love). I respect me more than I respect most if not all. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, of course, we all need love ourselves, however, the insidious portion is that I have never allowed perfect love into my heart. I have never expressed a love so deeply with a person that their lives can become more important to me than my own. I have never truly been able to identify if a love is right, instead basing it on a very superficial assessment of beauty & personality. I superficially engage with others, while deeply and intimately interfacing with my own existence.
There are many reasons for that… But the common denominator is that I don’t care about people. (Hence my need for perfect love). People are inefficient, emotional, damaged, stubborn, flawed, ignorant, yet self righteous. Paradoxically, I am all of these things as well, thus my reasoning is “why deal with all of your crap, when I have my own?” This world is full of people looking for exceptions — excuses — to justify their lives. So girls get together and gossip about other girls who get together and gossip. Men lie about their lives to impress other people who lie about their lives. An in depth analysis shows a history of insecurity and low self worth and so on.
We all have these problems and few of us find meaningful solutions. So I cling to myself, the only person aside from God who has ever been able to provide a solution that worked efficiently. I control my variables, calibrate my happiness specifically. But now I’m realizing that I want more out of life and that more is evident in an open heart receiving love. So I’m forced to set aside my impregnable walls of pride, self righteousness, and intelligence so that I may freely engage in love. She is a beautiful young woman and I know that she will have a special place in my life. But I must learn how to love, so I don’t blow it.