The Pride of the Young Lion
At the end of the day, I really don’t trust anyone. I’ve said this over and over again over the last year and some change. Factoring in “feelings” and other statistical anomalies subject to arbitrary change, human beings are far too unstable for me to ever put my faith in.
Which is why people say put your faith in God right?
I deal with God in my private time, but on the daily I’m faced with the bungled-up, disappointing efforts of man and woman alike. Although its a possibility, I rarely attribute someone’s shortcomings or failures to being genuinely negligent or malicious. I think many of us bite off more than we can relationally chew on the regular. We want to give in to people, we want to come through… We want to be successful business partners, lovers, friends, and parents, but for whatever reasons we fall short of the expectations and needs of others.
With people, my pessimism is at its apex.
Thus I’ve grown exceedingly dependent on me. I’ve developed into someone who doesn’t need people, a quite lonely existence as you could imagine, but I think the worst part about it all is my distrust. I don’t give people access to me because I cannot — will not — allow someone to hurt or disappoint me. Whether that disappointment is made manifest via a heartbreak or a failed action, I avoid all of it like the plague. With women, I can want someone so bad to love, but the moment — and I do mean moment — I sense the subtlest shift in our connection I’m done. Through. I’ve developed such a consummate aversion to any semblance of pain that its obsessive.
My pride is to blame.
See.. As someone outrageously dependent on their own abilities, I’ve become quite fond of my potential and actions. I know deep down on the inside that whomever I truly choose to commit to will be the happiest person on earth. Be that a business partner or a significant other, those persons will never doubt my ability to come through or know what’s best.
I’ve only recently began trusting someone like that and he’s the closest person in the world to me.
However, in terms of romance, my quixotic musings and fantasies about true love are marred by the clearly anemic abilities of woman I’m attracted to to actually be what I need. Whether those are malicious or unintentional are truly irrelevant. The fact is the results have always been the same. An impasse is reached, my flaws and deficiencies clash with another person’s. We no longer are what the other person needs, moreover, we barely remain what the other wants.
My pride…. Expects perfection. Perfection not in the sense of without flaw, but in the ability to remain in love through it all.
I will accept nothing less.
With my issues and my clearly diminutive view of the world… Its going to be an interesting journey.