The Real Bryce
I spend a lot of time observing myself inwardly. I probably spend 3 to 4 hours a day on these introspective assessments. This is why I could never truly fall prey to something like conceit, I spend obscene amounts of time critically deconstructing Bryce. All the scrutinizing inquiry I exercise on others, I conduct on myself many, many times more intense.
I often time feel totally alone in the world. Not because I feel inherently or innately superior to anyone, but more appropriately that I feel that no one goes through this exhaustive mental, spiritual, and emotional workout as consciously as I do. Whereas most people are content with “letting life happen” and “experiencing”, I engage life actively. I analyze and qualify, quantify and derive experiences, occurrences, and feelings. I strive to understand not only myself, but as much about mankind as I possibly could. The result of all of this is I tend to be a quick study in analyzing what people show me. I put the emphasis on show because I have been wrong about what I thought I knew about someone.
Without breaking out the melancholy violins and at the risk of being melodramatic it gets rather lonely sometimes. Due to a caustic personality, sometimes impersonal, and easily agitated, very few people actually have engaged me to get to know me. I’ve often been accused of not fighting for the women who have been in my life, but who in all reality has fought for me? Who has strove to understand Bryce? In a life where I spent much time guiding and counseling my friends/girlfriends, who has stepped up to guide and counsel me?
Who has actually tried to do that? Very few. Who has actually succeeded? Even less.
As with everything, I do not consider this problem the result of shortcomings of everyone else, but I accept my culpability in all this. My arrogance, my short temper, and my know-it-all demeanor have not been easy to deal with. However, the young women I’ve dealt with and dated saw past all of that, yet only one made attempts at understanding me. That hurts, honestly. It hurts because of how much I pour into helping other people grow. Who has actively helped me grow? Who has actively prayed for me? Opened up a Bible with me? Asked me about my problems? Told me about their views on the world? How many people look introspectively at themselves, so that they could help me discover me?
Who has ever tried to meet the real, vulnerable, passionate Bryce?
Few if any.